Archive for January, 2010
The rudeness of not following my unstated expectations
Jan 28th
Imagine the following situation: You invite an acquaintance out for a cup of coffee. They strike you as someone you might like to know better and figure this could be a good way to get to know them outside of your normal social circles. They graciously accept and you’re looking forward to it. The day arrives and you show up at the coffee shop, only to see that they’ve invited some of their other friends to come along. How do you feel?
Over the last few years, we have lived in several locations. The latest move to Mexico has been most revealing about the subtlety of human communication and connection. Each of us has been taught by our culture and more specifically by our family, a set of expectations for proper behavior.
These are the ways that we interact with one another that is considered polite and civilized. But, not surprisingly, different countries have different sets of expectation and patterns of communication.
One of my friends who lived in Germany once asked her boyfriend to be brutally honest with her. He responded that he didn’t think he could ever love her, but wanted to be friends who touch. Lesson: the Germans tend to be what Americans call “brutally honest” all the time and asking them to be “brutally honest” pushes beyond most Americans’ comprehension.
Here in Mexico, things don’t usually turn out to be this drastic, but far more subtle. It’s easy to think that when they violate our uncommunicated social expectation that they are being rude. Of course, this ignores all of the times that we have violated their unstated social expectation unawares.
Oddly, conversations about most of these things are difficult. You can’t say to your friend, “Hey, you’re not going to invite anyone else are you?”. It’s too strong, or at least it feels to strong if you’re an American. Unstated expectations tend to remain unstated without some spark to engage in learning more about what exactly is expected and being flexible on the other person when they violate your expectations — not from intent, but from ignorance. More over, even after it is stated, it is often difficult to explain why. These are things we learn from living in a society together.
These differences for what makes for polite or rude behavior show up all the time among families as well. Different families have different expectations of one another and different ways of communicating with each other. This can often come out in work situations – we each carry around our own set of expectations for how others ought to behave and can easily be offended when they don’t do so. Or worse, even assign to them a motive of malice.
Now, when I hear someone say, “That person was so rude”. I hear, “That person didn’t meet my unstated expectation of social norms”. And even though it seems to happen more often when there are major cultural differences, it happens just as often in the workplace, in families, in friendships. If there is offense, it’s good to discuss it so the other person can be aware, but it also has to be coupled with grace for them if they violate it again in the future. These types of values are not changed instantly.
So, back to the coffee shop, with you, your friends and their friends. Either you can stew, or you can remember that they may have thought it was rude to not to invite their friends. Better to simply enjoy the event for what it is, and the next time say, “I’d really like to get to know you personally. Do you think just you and I might get breakfast sometime?” – And hope for a better outcome.
Visualizing Our Mental Limitations
Jan 26th
When I saw this picture on my friend Daniel’s blog, I immediately thought it was an excellent picture of one of the themes that I write quite a bit about – our inability to both predict the future and recollect with accuracy our past. In both cases, we don’t see things as clearly as we think we do.
We see today clearly (the double-six). We remember yesterday, not horribly but sufficiently to see that it fits contiguous to where we see ourselves today. We see tomorrow with a little clarity and also how it fits with today. But as we get further away from both yesterday and tomorrow, our focus becomes increasingly less clear. What’s interesting though, is that we maintain mental models that assume we have clarity in both directions. We don’t remember things clearly, but we think that we do. We don’t really predict the future well, but we believe we do (or we wouldn’t keep doing it).
So perhaps a picture is not only worth 1000 words, but also quite a few blog entries. 
[Picture provided courtesy of Daniel Solorio, a designer/photographer here in Guadalajara. Today is Daniel's birthday and so I thought it was an appropriate day to finally blog on one of his photos that I really liked. He and his roommate are in a competition to post a picture they take every day. The pictures are definitely worth looking at.]
Voice Recognition is Always a Decade Away
Jan 22nd
We recently upgraded our phones at work to a centralized PBX. One of the services provided for free as a trial, was transcribed voicemails sent to you as an email. Sure, the technology has been around for a while, but I wasn’t quite sure what to make of my French colleague’s recent voicemail (for the record, he speaks good English with a very pleasant accent):
Hi my did state I’m coming from, I think, I have a question regarding. Can mystery. You too you know I have a conflict as you kinda open so she can put it on Krista, I have if you like to DC really don’t flying actually to key, something to the inputs close to expect like I’m good on dog poop but I’m good but, when I try to decide has again those who wield you know rules where say something you can use it probably up, on top of each of those so it’s a little slice of space that don’t managed to Becky. The whites way so that, there was no space, wasted. Anyway I guess it we talked for everybody on Monday to see ****, I don’t how managed to too good to be, so if you go to the toe was work so we go through to next week bye.
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It was around the time that I got to “I’m good on dog poop” that I had a hard time not laughing during the call I was already on. I’m beginning to understand why I get so upset when a computer prompts me with: “What are you calling about? You can say anything from ‘Adding services’ to ‘Paying my bill’” (as though those are two extremes of some spectrum that no one but a computer could imagine.) Undestanding your response, of course, is about more than mere transcribing, but still ends up getting me to whatever menu entry is closest to dog poop. Now I know why.
Voice Recognition, always only a decade away.
Lord Of The Rings – A Story from Christmas
Jan 21st
Over the Christmas holiday, a friend and I were walking to lunch after a fresh snow had fallen. While engrossed in conversation, I walked into a pile of some snow and slipped.
Mostly embarrassed, I got up and felt like something was lost. I checked my pocket for the three usual things — wallet, phone, and keys. Check. All was in order so I chalked it up to my pride being what was missing and continued on to lunch (after a little laughing about the event).
We ordered sandwiches from the deli and continued talking in earnest, when about half way through the lunch, I noticed that there was nothing solid between my fingers. No the sandwhich hadn’t disappeared, and I realized it wasn’t only my pride I had lost in the fall. My wedding ring was gone. After eliminating the sandwich as the suspect , my friend identified the fall as the culprit and we agreed to go look right after lunch.
When we returned to the scene of the “street theft”, we saw that they had plowed the snow and no trace of the imprint was left in the snow. We kicked around the snow abit before heading to hardware store (in the same shopping center) to see if they had a metal detector, but to no avail.
He agreed to keep his eye out for it, after all, he had recently found a key that had been lost in the snow until it melted. I returned to work, searched for a metal detector to see if there was one locally – the closest internet search came up 45 miles away. Certainly not going to cut it. Finally, I was encouraged by a collegue to try calling up a tool rental place (rather than just doing an internet search) and did so. They had one! But there were just about to close and someone else had lost their only set of keys in the snow and had rented the detector until morning. So even though it looks like everything is on the internet, it isn’t.
I woke up early on Christmas eve and my brother-in-law, Ben, was willing to head out on a very cold morning to search for the ring in the snow. Plus we were both fascinated by how metal detectors work.
We picked up the metal detector at the shop. It was beeping like a barking dog in the rental store and excitedly we took it out to the site of the fall. We started doing some basic sweeping of the street corner with no sounds. We continued to make adjustments to the depth and the sensitivity but still we couldn’t find anything metal. Eventually, Ben dropped his keys on the sidewalk to see if the metal detector would pick them up. We adjusted all of the settings but still couldn’t detect the keys without violently shaking the detector and even then only occasionally — this was not a good sign.
After trying to warm up the detector in a coffee shop to make sure it just wasn’t cold, we still had no success and returned to the rental place only to have them realize one of the batteries was loose (it worked well in the store earlier due to the shaking and the fact that metal was everywhere and the shaking caused the battery to touch sufficiently to beep). We made sure it could find keys on the sidewalk before leaving.
Back in the car, we returned to the site, glad that this time it detected a sprinkler. We found another piece of burried treasure, but we passed on digging it up since we were really only looking for one thing. Finally, by the grace of God, we wondered out into the street where there was about 2 inches of packed snow, and we heard a beep. We raked a little and the beep moved, and then, Ben reached down and pulled out the ring(s).
By all appearances, several cars had run over them, but they were intact, and with a little bending, even wearable. Though cars may run over our marriage, yet still it remains intact.
I’m not optimistic or pessimistic – I’m a slave
Jan 18th
I was recently reading an article about the economy and it ended with the line - I’m not optimistic or pessimistic – I’m realistic.
I’m always surprised when I hear someone say this. Doesn’t every optimist and pessimist consider their views realistic? Moreover, this retort is beside the point. Optimism and Pessimism ultimately are about whether the projection into the future is one where events take a more positive or negative course. Claiming realism is essentially claiming you know exactly how the future will unfold — you are factual, unemotional, seeing the future with accuracy.
This is in contrast to all of the rest, whose views must be unrealistic (either positively or negatively) if they disagree with you. This is near the equivelent of saying during an argument, “You’re wrong. I’m right. Period.” It doesn’t actually make an argument, it just shuts down further conversation on the topic.
Whenever we shut the door on conversation, we isolate ourselves from the truth. Declaring we already know the truth in spite of opposition can often lead to running headlong into a wall you never saw coming. There are times where conversations are no longer bearing fruit and a decision needs to be made. Deciding this and stating so though, is different from dismissing another’s view as simply unrealistic.
In the end, whenever we close our ears, we make ourselves slaves to our own imperfect perspectives.
Cycle of Generosity
Jan 16th
How do you normally respond when someone is unexpectedly nice to you?
Our typical response is to want to pay them back as quickly as we can or to give them something in exchange. This works very well with the Hari Krishnas at the airport giving someone a flower, the person gives them money out of obligation, then throws the flower away. The Krishnas collect the flowers from the trash and give them to the next person (this story is captured well in Influence). We can certainly be influenced simply out of a sense of obligation to return a favor, even one we don’t even feel that grateful for.
However, there are times that this generosity comes from strangers who genuinely minister to the needs that you have. For example, our Mexican neighbors are very warm and open — often inviting us to visit with them. When our internet was not yet installed, they let me use their front patio and wireless connection. Occasionally, they would even bring me some lemonaide. This morning when our tank of gas ran out [READ: no hot water], they helped us call the right company and offered some coffee while I was waiting. They are kind and generous.
As I have experienced their generosity, I want to repay them, not out of a sense of obligation, but out of gratitude for what they have given. It is difficult to identify exactly how to do so. As I have continued to think about this, I’ve decided that it is better to look for opportunities to return the generosity when they don’t expect it, or simply be generous to others as they were generous to you. Also, I know that when I have an opportunity to be generous, that it is a blessing to be able to be generous with others.
As we pursue mutual giving, a virtual cycle is created and ultimately, provides a foundation for intimate friendships.
Following By Consensus
Jan 9th
Early in my career, I took over as the project leader of a small group of engineers in the midst of the merger between Symbios and LSI. LSI had a manager at another location whose group had the same charter as the group I was leading, and we were asked to figure out how to coordinate our activities. The merged entity was making a pretty major technological change and our groups were being asked to make sure that the resulting system functioned properly.
I worked with the manager to try to come to some sort of agreement about how we could share the work but needed her agreement on what our plan was. Since we were at different locations, it presented a challenge for how we could work together. She didn’t know and wasn’t responding much to ideas on how we could work together.
So I gathered my team together (all of them had been doing this for several years) and I asked them what would they like to own or work on with this next major project. Did they have any ideas about how they wanted to make this all work? I hadn’t heard anything back from the other manager and was looking toward their expertise for ideas. I have very clear memories of leaving this meeting – everyone hanging their head, discouraged by not having a solution, coupled with the uncertainty of what was to come. This was all my fault.
So, I changed course, I spent some time figuring out a critical part of the technology that our team could verify on its own and held another meeting with my team to lay out our strategy. I explained how this would work with everyone’s skill set and how we would accomplish this very difficult task and then I delivered this strategy to the other manager. This is what we are going to do and own, this is what I think you can do and own. After all, the first to claim ownership, typically gets to own it, and we did.
There was more balancing that took place and we successfully coordinated the activities between our two groups, but after the meeting I could see the light on the teams face. The team left the meeting encouraged and excited about the prospects that were ahead. Did I have all of the answers? No. In fact, the people in the room had a better understanding of what it was going to take than I did. What I did do was provide initiative and the framework and they were able to fill out the details playing to each of their individual strengths and interests.
This experience made me realize that you can’t lead by consensus. Leaders make decisions in uncertainty and faith in order to guide those who face the same uncertainty. Hoping the opinions of your team will create certainty leads to failure and demoralization. This certainly doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t listen to their opinions and advice, that would be foolish, but it also means you don’t wait for them to figure out the plan. You create, let them critique, make the decision and move on.
People want to be empowered in their area of expertise. No one wants to be empowered to make decisions they don’t feel capable of making. Leaders need to step up and make a decision about where things should be headed. I was reminded of this lesson due to an article about CEO’s wanting their boards to make decisions. Ultimately, the person who makes the decision has their head on on the line. This is what seperates leaders from followers. The willingness to step out and decide rather than wait for a consensus from the team.
Experimental Costs
Jan 5th
“If I find 10,000 ways something won’t work, I haven’t failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward”
Thomas Edison
Science requires thousands of failures in order to find a success. Following the success, we look back and rationalize why that one success was obviously the solution to the puzzle. Prior to finding it, we could not see it. This retrospection however, can cause us to think that we just need one brilliant idea to be successful.
The reality is that you are more likely to succeed if you can try a lot of things and the Internet is a great playground for that. It’s inexpensive to try different experiments and it’s easier to measure the effect. In many ways, you’re better off running as many experiments as you can, fail quickly, learn, and try again rather than trying to figure out the exact right strategy before you even start.
There is still an art to experiment design that should be consider, but trying to achieve perfection in this, often means that you lose out on serendipitous findings that come from trying lots of different combinations. Again, there is much beyond our purview including whole groups of people we’ve never interacted with.
This means, if you can provide a successful service or marketing message to a small niche, the internet’s scale is able to make it be successful. One realization that shocks me is that there are THOUSANDS of successful products that we’ve never heard about. Products that are making a lucrative living for someone. Because we tend to ignore those things beyond our view of the world, we believe we know of all of the successful things (or at least most of them), but this is simply not the case.
This ultimately means that your small idea may find a big tribe.
Got an idea? Try it out.